


Dear Harry / Forever Yours, Draco

by LindyA1985



Series: Letters to my Parents [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Forbidden Love, Letters, Love Letters, M/M, Suicide Attempt, Tom Riddle's Diary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-23
Updated: 2019-04-05
Packaged: 2019-08-28 05:37:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 19,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16717447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LindyA1985/pseuds/LindyA1985
Summary: Draco writes letters to Harry in a little diary that he has found in his room, not long after his father has told him he's not allowed to contact Harry in any way. After a couple of letters the diary starts to write back.





	1. 31 July 1992

**Author's Note:**

>   
>  This story is Draco's side of the events of second year in Letters to my Parents. If you haven't read this I would suggest you read it until the end of year two (chapter 1 - 31).  
>    
>  I like to thank every member of the WandeRimos, the South-Africa Elsewhere region for NaNoWriMo for all their support and encouragements, during NaNo where this story was born and grown.  
>    
>  If you struggle to read the font for this story, you can disable the custom skin of this work:  
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>    
>  This next note is completely optional and won't affect updates whatsoever, but it is appreciated.  
>  You can support my writing if you want by buying me a coffee at https://www.buymeacoffee.com/AlindasStories  
> 

31 July 1992

Dear Harry,

 

I wish I could be with you today to celebrate your birthday. That would have been so much better than to be stuck here at home, having scheduled play dates with Theo, Vincent, Gregory and Pansy. You would say I’m a bit old for play dates by now, being twelve and in boarding school, but my father doesn’t seem to understand that. He made it clear that they are the only persons I’m allowed to see this summer and I’m afraid to argue with father. He’s so angry at me. It seems that Theo had told his father about my feelings for you and his father told my father.

 

Father gave me the silent treatment for the first week of the holiday. He acted like I wasn’t even at home. He didn’t wait for me at the start of dinner and he would order the house elves to serve the next course before I could finish my plate. He would not even respond when I tried to talk to him. You remember I told you about the time I broke a very old family heirloom and how father didn’t speak to me for a month. Well, this was worse, back than he didn’t look at me like I was the biggest disappointment ever. He does now and that just makes me feel worse.

 

Father was already upset about the fact I only managed to become first in our year with potions. Mother had warned me about this before we arrived home from King Cross Station. She assured me that father would sure get over himself when he would realise that my grades are better than his grades ever were. We both hadn’t any idea that he was more upset about the fact that I’m a homosexual than he is about my grades. We only discovered this fact when I came downstairs on the first Saturday of the holiday with a letter I wanted to send to you. Father forgot all his manners when he heard me telling Mother that the letter was meant for you. Without a word he pulled it out of my hands and tore it into a million pieces. I must confess that I had tears in my eyes when he did this. Once he was finished destroying my letter he told me in an icy voice that I was not to contact you in any way and that it would be in my best interest to stay away from you if I wanted to continue my education at Hogwarts.

 

After this, father gave me a speech about how I was not to tarnish the Malfoy name and that Malfoy’s don’t fall in love, most of all not with someone of the same gender. I’m to finish my education without ever laying an eye on you again. Father also said he would start looking for a suitable girl, one who would be part of the sacred twenty-eight and who would have learnt all the proper ways to behave. A suitable girl for me to marry and have a son with, to continue the Malfoy line. Mother tried to reason with father, explain to him that there was no shame in having a male lover on the side, but Father wouldn’t hear her. Not that I want you as a lover on the side, that would never be enough for me, but to let them believe that, for now, would have made it possible for me to be with you.

 

I must confess that I cried myself to sleep that night. I had been so hopeful when you didn’t react badly to the small kiss I gave you on your cheek and now it all seems lost. I’m afraid I will never be able to be with you the way I want to and that hurts more than I expected.

 

I wish I could let you know why I haven’t written you any letters as I had promised. You know it’s not like me to break my promises and I assure you it is not for a lack of trying. I ordered Dobby to send you one, but he didn’t dare to. He said it was better if you wouldn’t hear from me, that the great Harry Potter didn’t need to get into trouble because of me. I think he is more in love with you than I am. Because I am, you know, in love with you. I think I have been for a while now.

 

Dobby keeps asking me about you, what you are like and if it’s true that you have defeated the Dark Lord twice in your short life. It’s nice to have someone to talk to about you, even if it is only with a silly house elf that always gets himself in trouble.

 

After Dobby refused, I came up with another plan. The next day I made sure I woke up before father and made my way to the owlery, only to find out that the door was locked. When I asked mother about it later that day, she said that father had locked it with charms and spells. This means there is no way I’m will be able to get in there without him finding out.

 

I also asked Pansy and Gregory if they could take a letter for you and send it, but they both refused. Pansy said I should forget about you. She agrees with father. She said that my feelings for you are wrong and that I should try to forget I ever had them. I think she hopes that she will be the proper girl my father will find for me so that she can marry into the Malfoy family one day.

 

Gregory was more understanding, but he also refused to send a letter to you for me. He said he would hate it if one of our fathers would find out and he would not be allowed to see me anymore. That it would do me no good if I would get isolated because of my predicament. Yes, Gregory used the word predicament, can you believe it? I appreciate his concern and his loyalty to me. He confided in me that he prefers to be my friend. He has never really like Theo and ever since Vincent and Theo almost beat you to death he has been wondering why he’s still friends with both of them. He also mentioned that he was relieved when I started looking out for you.

 

I sound like a girl, complaining about my own problems, although all I really want to know is how you are maintaining. How is everything fairing at your place? I hope your aunt and uncle don’t give you too much grieve. And I sincerely hope that you didn’t tell them that you are not allowed to use magic outside the boundaries of Hogwarts. I’m sure it will improve your living conditions by multitudes when you can threaten to harm them with your magic. I’m really sorry I can’t rescue you from them as I promised. You must be so disappointed in me right now. I don’t know why I keep screwing everything up. It’s like I do everything wrong when it comes to you. First I make you feel unwelcome at school and make your life a living hell, thinking you are just a pathetic half-blood. I’m sorry about that. I still feel guilty about that, if it hadn’t been for me, singling you out at the start of the year, maybe Theo would have never started to beat you and bully you. I know now that it was wrong for me to take out my own insecurities on you.

 

I really thought I hated you until that day I saw you smile during one of our flying lessons. I will never forget it, that bright smile on your face. You hadn’t smiled like that until that moment, you were always so miserable. But to see you smile like that, it made my heart miss a beat. I couldn’t stop thinking of you after that, I still can’t. I fall asleep with you on my mind and wake up thinking about you.

 

When Theo and Vincent beat you up so bad that you had to spend two weeks in the hospital wing, I lost my temper. I had never been so angry in my entire life. They beat you up only a week after I had told them to leave you alone. Sometimes I think it is because I told them to leave you alone, that they went after you harder than ever before. And I’m not proud of losing my temper with them, and it might have been better if I had, but I couldn’t help myself. I’m sure you have heard that Theo and I had a massive fight when you fighting for your life. Theo accused me of being bent, and the fool I was, I confirmed it and confessed that I love you. I can tell you, coming out as a homosexual towards your friends shows you who is truly your friend and who isn’t. And Theo falls in the last category. As you know Theo and I don’t talk to each other anymore if we don’t have to. He told me that I was disgusting and it’s clear that he never wants to be here when our fathers gather and force us to spend time together this holiday.

 

I still can’t believe we became friends after. I don’t know how you found it to forgive me for all my indiscretions, but I’m grateful for it. To get to know you, to find out that you are funny, smart and extremely kind was amazing and I’m sad that I can’t continue to get to know you better. Nevertheless, I can’t go against my father. I’m sorry I’m a coward, afraid of his father’s wrath. I really am. I don’t think I’ve ever felt remorse like this. I hope that one day I will get the change to explain to you why I had to let you go and we might maybe be friends again in the future.

 

One more thing, you were right. Writing it all out even knowing you will never read this makes me feel a little closer to you.

 

I love you and I miss you,

 

Forever yours,

 

Draco Lucius Malfoy.


	2. 6 Augustus 1992

6 Augustus 1992

Dear Harry,

 

I hate my father. I genuinely hate him. This morning Hedwig arrived at our house carrying your letter. I was excited to hear from you. However, my father took the letter and I never got the change to read it. Father threw the letter into the hearth with a small smile on his face. I could only watch how the parchment went up in flames, destroying the words you had written to me. It made small tears fall down my cheeks. Father told me to stop acting like a small child. He said it was better this way and that it was time I started to forget about you. According to him, I should start focusing on my homework for next year.

 

I’m not proud of what happened next. I lost my temper and yelled at him. I screamed at my father. I’ve never done that before and it goes against all the protocols of behaviour that I’ve learnt. It is just that I couldn’t stop myself. You wrote to me, you had found a way to let me know how you were doing. This must mean that you miss me just as much as I miss you. Because I do, miss you. You’ve been the person I would go to now because I know you would be able to cheer me up. Just like your words in your letter probably would have. And I hate father for taking that away from me. For stealing your words before I could even read them.

 

You will not believe what I told my father. I told him I wished he was dead. That I never want to speak to him again. I even threw my plate with my unfinished breakfast at him before I stormed out of the dining room. He shouted after me, saying I was not to leave my room until he said so. Well, he doesn’t have to worry about that, I’m not planning on having any more meals with him, ever again.

 

Dobby just brought me something to eat. Not that I’m hungry. He says I shouldn’t worry, that father will forgive me my behaviour once he realises that he loves me. That it will all work out for the best. I’m not sure if that’s true. Father still thinks he can make me heterosexual, that I only have these feelings because of you. Only he’s wrong. I’m not sure if I should tell you this, but well, you will never read this anyway, so why not.

 

You are not the first boy I feel attracted to. One summer before I met you at Madam Malkin’s I used to go out flying over the woods around the manor. And one day I spotted another boy hanging around at one of the hidden ponds. I landed and went to talk to him. He was a muggle and didn’t know he was on our lands. I didn’t tell on him and we spend almost every day together at the pond. I loved watching him splash around in the water. He was so beautiful with his long dark hair and green eyes. Back then I thought they were the most enchanting eyes I’d ever seen until I met you. Your eyes are like a green ocean, I drown in them every time you look at me. The way they shine when you smile, or how they seem to darken when you are sad.

 

And don’t worry; I never felt for Gerald what I feel for you. I just loved watching him and dreamed about him a couple of times. With you, it’s more than just the way you look. I love you. I wish I could tell it to your face to face. That I love you. I really do. It hurts my heart whenever I think of you. There is nobody else I will ever want besides you. Like I wrote before, you are the one I think off before I fall asleep and I wake up with you on my mind. I want to spend every day of the rest of my life with you. And it breaks my heart that this will never happen.

 

There is also something weird going on with Dobby. He keeps looking at this little diary I’m writing in. I found it in my room in the first week of the holidays. It’s amazing. Every word I write disappears after it has been written, so no-one will be able to read my thoughts and know just how much I love you. This way my feelings are safe from my father’s wrath. Only Dobby seems afraid of the diary. He says I should stop using it, that it is not safe. And he just walked out of my room mumbling ‘Master Malfoy will regret it once he knows what will happen to young Master Draco’. I don’t know what he means. I’m sure he’s exaggerating again. Dobby only thinks and does things in extremes. He’s one of my favourite house-elves. He’s always in trouble because he’s clumsy and makes a mess of a lot of things, however, he’s kind to me, even when I’m in trouble. And well he’s a good laugh. His hands are all bandaged up again. He said he had to punish himself because he went against his master orders. He said he had to, that it was all to stop terrible things from happening. Sometimes I feel bad for him, but it’s like he likes punishing himself. He even does it when we haven’t even noticed he did something wrong. I think you would like him. He thinks the world of you, saying your greatness and goodness are unheard off. And for once I kind of agree with him. You are the kindest person I know. You’re even hesitant about hurting Theo and Vincent when they go after you. And the way you had forgiven me my foolishness and let me into your life, well that just shows how kind and loving you are.

 

I can’t seem to stop writing about how amazing you are.

 

Mother came to talk to me this afternoon. She is worried about me. She and father have been fighting again, I’m sure of it. She told me to start behaving myself when I was around father. That it was for my own good. She doesn’t want me to go to Durmstrang, however, she is afraid she won’t be able to stop Father from transferring me there this time (he also tried to send me there last year) if I don’t start listening to him. So I will try to behave for the rest of summer, for mother and for you. Because I need to go back to Hogwarts in September. I need to see you again. And then maybe I can somehow let you know why I never wrote to you and that it is not my choice to stay away from you. However, it is the only way for now. Maybe you will be willing to wait for me when I ask you. Maybe we can survive with only looking at each other for the next five years until we come of age and my father won’t be able to stop me anymore. Would you do that for me? I think I can do it, stay away from you, as long as I know you are okay. And that there might be a change that one day I’m free to show the world how much I love you.

 

Forever yours,

 

Draco Malfoy.


	3. 19 Augustus 1992

19 Augustus 1992

Dear Harry,

 

I saw you today.

 

 

 

 

 

_And?_

_Well, come on, don’t stop writing now. Tell me what happened?_

_Don’t you suddenly go quiet, you’ve been so open before._

 

Who’s this?

 

_I’m Tom Riddle, the owner of this diary. It’s been a long time since someone wrote to me and  I must say it’s been interesting._

 

You should have made your presence know from the start. Haven’t you learnt any manners? You should have declared your presence as soon as you realised I was writing personal letters that were not addressed to you.

 

_But then you wouldn’t have told me all about Harry Potter, now would you?_

 

No of course not. You don’t understand, no one can know. If father would find out he will send me to Durmstrang, or worse, home-school me himself. And I have to go back to Hogwarts. I need to be close to him, to Harry.

 

_Don’t worry, Draco. I will keep your secret. I won’t be able to tell anyone. You see,  I can only speak through this diary. My real self placed a memory of himself in it. So, I won’t be able to tell a soul. Your secrets are safe with me. Will you now tell me what happened?_

 

You are a memory in this diary?

 

_Yes, I am._

 

And you don’t care that I love a boy?

 

_No, why would I? You love who you love, isn’t it? I know what it is like to want things others say you can’t have. Maybe I can help you get through all this, make it all a little easier. Give you someone to talk to without worrying they will betray you._

 

Thank you for the offer, I think I have to accept it. It would be nice, to have someone to talk to. It’s hard having all these feelings inside and no-one to share them with.

 

_Okay, now tell me, where did you see him and what happened?_

 

I saw him in Diagon Alley. My school letter arrived yesterday, which was late according to my father, so he said we should go shopping as soon as possible for my supplies. And that is how I ended up in Diagon Alley today. I didn’t want to go at first because father had planned for us to meet up with Theo and his father. And well as you know, from secretly reading my personal letters to Harry, Theo and I aren’t friendly towards each other. Not after what he did to Harry. I will never forgive him for that, or for the fact that he had told on me. Father said I should stop moping and that I would get a new broom since I had behaved so well for the last two weeks. That it would help me secure my place on the Quidditch team.

 

And I think he thought that would make me happy. It has always done so in the past. I love getting new brooms, however, everything seems so useless and not worth my time without Harry. I don’t think I want to try out for the Quidditch team this year. What is the point if I can’t convince Harry to try with me, to fly with him. I’ve been dreaming of that, the two of us, together on the Quidditch team, making sure we win the Quidditch cup and thereby improving our odds to win the House cup. I had been sure that we would both make it on the team.

 

_So I assume Harry is good on a broom then?_

 

Oh, yes, he’s amazing. He had never flown before he got to Hogwarts and it just came to him. He’s a natural. And he loves it, flying. It’s one of the few things that make him really smile. I think it helps him forget all his problems. He hasn’t had an easy life so far and I hate that I make it worse. He was with the Weasleys and Hermione at Diagon Alley. And I must say, I wasn’t prepared to see him. It took my breath away seeing he was just as beautiful as I remembered. I wanted to hug him there and then, with everyone seeing. Only Theo was there and I couldn’t, I just couldn’t risk losing him forever. So I just turned around an ran out of the store. I was crying before I made it through the door and I hit away somewhere, so no-one would see me cry.

 

I thought I could do this, go to school and stay away from him. To only watch him from a distance and that it would be enough. However, I’m not so sure about that anymore. It broke my heart hearing him say my name, seeing his eyes pleading me to speak to him. I’m hurting him, and that is the last thing I ever wanted to do. I don’t know if I can stay away from him, Tom. I really don’t know.

 

_I’ll help you. Just come and talk to me every time it becomes too much. Together we will get you through this._

 

Thank you, Tom. You sure you don’t mind me whining over Harry all the time? I’m sure you think I’m just a silly little kid, thinking this will be the end of the world.

 

_No, I don’t. You might be young, but I’ve read your words. You really love this boy and that is all that counts. Draco, I know it can’t be easy to love someone you are not supposed to, so I want to help you. Make it all a little easier to deal with._

 

And what about you, I know you are only a memory, but I’m sure you must have had a dream? Maybe I can look up what happened to you, so you would know how you did in life.

 

_Oh no, that would be the worst. What if I never accomplished what I wanted. That would just make me feel sad. I will never grow older than the seventeen-year-old I am in this diary and I’ve made my peace with that. And now I have you. You don’t know who nice it is to have someone to talk to. I’ve been sitting on a bookshelf for way too long._

 

Okay, but I would like to know more about you. When did you go to Hogwarts? And what was it like back then? Was Dumbledore already headmaster? And was Professor McGonagall already a big pain in the ass, because she always favours the Gryffindors?

 

_No, Professor Dumbledore wasn’t headmaster yet when I went to school. He was the Transfiguration teacher back then. He was the one that saved me from the orphanage I grew up in. I never knew I was a wizard, until the day that Professor Dumbledore came to visit me. I had known I was special since I could do things, make things happen that no-one else around me could, but learning that I was so much more was the start of my new life._

 

I’m sorry to hear you grew up in an orphanage. Do you mind me asking what happened to your parents?

 

_I never knew my father and my mother died giving birth to me. She named me and then left me._

 

I’m sorry to hear that. Harry also lost his parents. They died when he was just one year old. He can’t remember them, but he writes to them in his little notebook. It makes him feel close to them. It’s the reason why I started writing to him this summer. And he is right, you know. I felt closer to him when I was writing to him.

 

_You rather write to him, than to me? To feel close to him? I can stay quiet if you want. I don’t mind._

 

No, it’s okay. I like having someone to talk to about all this. But maybe sometimes I would want to write to him, to say the things I can’t say to him in person. If you don’t mind.

 

_No, that’s fine. Maybe we can make an arrangement. If you want to talk to me, start with addressing me. And when you just want to write to Harry, start with addressing him and I’ll leave you to write what you need and then we can talk about it some other time._

 

That sounds like a good idea. Thank you, Tom. You’ve already helped improve my mood and made me less sad about the events of today. It still hurts, not being able to talk to Harry, but it is nice to know I have a friend here that will help me.

 

_I’m glad I can help._

 

I need to get ready for dinner now. I’ll talk to you soon.

 

_Okay, talk to you later Draco._

 

It was nice meeting you, Tom. Goodbye for now,

 

Draco Malfoy.


	4. 1 September 1992

1 September 1992

Dear Tom,

 

He isn’t on the train. Harry is not on the train. Hermione came into our compartment a view minutes ago. She had tears in her eyes and asked if anyone of us had seen Harry or Ron. She said she couldn’t find them anywhere on the train. What if something had happened to them? What if Harry is hurt? Theo had this evil look on his face when he looked at how I talked to Hermione. She asked me personally if I knew why they weren’t here on the train. I just shook my head, afraid to talk, scared that my voice would give away how worried I am. I also don’t know what to say to her. She was there when I ignored them all in Diagon Alley. She must think I’m a coward or worse a traitor. She left our compartment in tears. I think she’s really worried about her boyfriend and her best friend. I’m also worried. Maybe Theo and his dad did something after the little incident at Flourish and Blotts. Something that would make it impossible for Harry to come back to school. Because he’s hurt, or worse. What if he doesn’t come back to school at all? What if I never get to see him again? I don’t think I can handle that. I need to at least be able to see him, Tom. I need him.

 

_Calm down Draco. I’m sure everything is going to be okay. Maybe they were just late and missed the train. Just because they aren’t on it, doesn’t mean they are hurt._

 

Only Theo and Vincent shared this look like they know something I don’t. And they’ve hurt him before, many times. One time Harry even had to spend two weeks in the hospital wing because of what they had done to him.

 

_Oh my, that is bad. What did they do?_

 

They first hexed him so badly he couldn’t stand up anymore and then they kicked him until he was almost dead. One of his eyes got damaged bad and he needed new prescriptions after that because his eye will never fully recover.

 

_Oh yes, you wrote about this the first time you wrote in this diary. I remember now. But when would they now had a chance to do anything to him now?_

 

I don’t know, maybe before they came onto the train? Or after I left Diagon Alley. I don’t know. I just wish I knew where he is and that he’s okay. I need him to be okay, Tom.

 

_I’m sure he’s okay, Draco. Just wait till tomorrow and then if he’s still not at school the next day you can get worried._

 

Yeah, okay. I’ll try. It’s just, I feel responsible for him. I don’t care that everyone says it’s wrong that I have feelings for him and that I should find myself a nice pure-blood witch to date, I will always love him, even though I can’t be with him.

 

_I know, and that’s okay. I’m sure it’s all going to be okay._

_And maybe having a girlfriend isn’t a bad thing, It would help get Theo and your father of your back._

 

No, I will never have a girlfriend. I won’t do that to Harry. He deserves better than me pretending to date some girl. I rather stay alone for the rest of my life than betray my love for him.

 

_Okay, it was just an idea, don’t get upset._

 

I’m not, I know it was just a suggestion. And that you mean well. It’s only that I don’t think there will ever be anyone other than Harry for me. I just wish I knew how I could let him know what is the matter, but even now Theo is right outside waiting for me to finish up in here. It’s like they all plan to keep a constant eye on me. How am I going to tell Harry that I love him and that I’m sorry if they won’t leave me out of there sight? I’m scared, Tom. Everything is a mess.

 

_Try to breathe, Draco. Everything is going to be okay. I promise you. You will see, Harry and Ron must have missed the train and will arrive tomorrow with big stories of how they overslept and had to get alternative transportation to Hogwarts. And Theo can’t keep an eye on you every minute of every day. I’m sure you will find a way to tell Harry about the conditions your father gave you to go back to Hogwarts and he will understand. Just give it a few days._

 

Thank you, Tom. I really have to go now. Theo is banging on the door now, asking if I flushed myself away, so I should get going. Thanks for helping me calm down Tom.


	5. 5 September 1992

5 September 1992

Dear Harry,

 

I want to apologise to you and tell you that I’m sorry. It is hard to see you hurting because I won’t talk to you. It is not of my own free will that I do everything in my power to stay away from you when the others are around. And that is the biggest problem. Theo or Pansy are always there. And I’m sure they will write to my father as soon as I break one of the rules he laid out for my return to Hogwarts. I can’t give this up, Harry, being here at Hogwarts with you close by, being able to see you every day. And trying to talk to you where they can see would mean giving you up, father will make me transfer to Durmstrang. Life will be worse there. For one, you won’t be there and secondly, they are even less kind to homosexual people like me. I would rather die than go there without you.

 

When I woke up that first day here at Hogwarts I was glad you had made it to school and were sleeping peacefully in your bed. I wanted to wake you and tell you everything right then, hoping you would understand, only I couldn’t. Vincent was watching me. And then you came to me during breakfast. I couldn’t look you in the face, I couldn’t let you see the tears that were forming in my eyes. I’m sorry I didn’t say a word and that I let Pansy tell you to bugger off. I heard every word you said, every plaid for me to just please talk to you, be your friend again. All of them broke my heart in a million pieces.

 

And I’m sorry that it looks like I’m not trying to stop Theo and Vincent making stupid jokes about how you and Professor Lockhart are an item. I can’t go against them in public, but I’ve yelled at them here in our dormitory when you weren’t here, begged them to stop teasing you. Only they won’t, and I’m sorry. I know it bothers you, it’s written all over your face. I’ve seen the plaids in your eyes for me to say something, to stand up for you again. You must hate me by now, seeing what a coward I am.

 

I also saw what Theo did when that first year Gryffindor asked for your photo. And isn’t that weird? Sometimes I forget how famous you are for destroying the Dark Lord all those years ago. To me, you are just quiet, good-hearted Harry who always looks for the best in people. It’s one of the reasons why I love you.

 

This morning where the try-outs for Quidditch and I did my best. Father made me. You must know that I didn’t want to, not without you by my side. It only wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be since you were sitting there in the stands. You remembered that I told you that I really wanted to make the team and maybe one day become a professional Quidditch player, that is why you were there, right? To support me even though I treat you like dirt at the moment. It was hard not to notice how you couldn’t keep your eyes off me when I was flying. I just hope I wasn’t too distracted by you being there and messed it all up.

 

You were writing in your notebook during the try-outs and I’m glad you still have it and that you are still writing to your parents. I hope you don’t say horrible things about me. I would hate it if your parents would think I’m hurting you on purpose. Maybe one day I can explain to them if you will still have me after all this. I haven’t given up hope yet to get a word out to you and make you understand I’m still yours. I will always be yours. And when I come of age I will be with you until eternity if you would still have me then. It’s the only thing I can think of out of this mess, just wait until I’m old enough to be free. There is no other way. Father has made sure of that.

 

I hate him, you know, my father. For so long he was my hero, this strong powerful man that was my father. Who had control over others and had people listen to him. Only this summer I saw a different side of him. One that will never put my happiness before appearances. A man that will always place his image higher than me. Someone that will threaten and hurt just because he can. He even hit my mother when she tried to explain to him that sexuality is not something anyone has a choice over. I’ve never seen him lash out like that before. Mother said everything is fine, but I know it isn’t. It scares me, the way father acts and how my homosexuality is affecting my parents' marriage. I don’t want them to fall out because of me.

 

Sometimes I wish I could be straight. Everything would be so much easier that way. And then I realise that it would mean I won’t be able to love you and that just makes no sense. I can’t think of a world without you. And the idea that I might have to marry Pansy or Daphne, it’s revolting. I never want to kiss a girl, never ever. I don’t think I can even pretend to be straight to please father.

 

He said he would start talking with other families about possible matches for a marriage for me since it’s clear I will never pick a sensible partner. I don’t know how to tell him I will give up my entire heritage for you. I don’t care about the mansion or the money. And who cares about appearances and proper behaviour, or all that pure-blood nonsense of protecting our magic legacy. Haven’t they seen how powerful muggle-born witches can be? And I’m sure we, the two of us, will be fine if we could just have each other. If only I was already seventeen, so Father would have no power over me anymore. I know he will be upset that I will bring shame to the Malfoy name. And probably even end the Malfoy name, since I’m his only child. It’s not like I’m ever going to father any children. I don’t I even want any children. The only reason I would reconsider that decision is if you would want them, children, that is. I would do anything for you if it would make you happy.

 

I promise you, once my father has no say over my life anymore, I’ll do everything I can to make you happy. And even before that, I will try harder to find a way to talk to you, to explain to you. I will find a way. I have to. Because I love you. And I need you to know that. I will find a way to tell you that I love you, I promise.

 

Only what is up with that little Gryffindor that keeps stalking you? I saw he looked you up at the stands this morning, always with that silly camera of him. Do you think he has a crush on you? I hope not. I would hate to lose you to someone else. And I know, there will always be that change, and if that person will make you happy I’ll find a way to be okay with it. Just promise me that you will never forget me.

 

What am I thinking? Why would you promise something like that to me? For all that you care, I don’t love you. You must think I hate you. Or even worse, that all of last year was one big joke on you. I’m so sorry Harry. I hate myself for what I’m doing to you now. Be strong. I know you struggle to find your own strength most of the times but just remember please that it’s inside you. That you are one of the strongest people I know. And brave, so much braver than me. Ron is right when he says there is some Gryffindor in you, and knowing your parents where Gryffindors that is not weird at all. I’ve seen you struggle in class and I wish I could help you. It’s all inside you if you would just let your magic run free. Stop being afraid of your wand. Stop thinking you are not good enough. Because you are. You are, so much stronger than everyone gives you credit for.

 

I love you.

 

Forever yours,

 

Draco Malfoy.


	6. 25 September 1992

25 September 1992

Dear Tom,

 

I believe I made an even bigger mess of everything. Because of this situation with Harry, I’m losing all my real friends. Ron and Hermione cornered me last week. Hermione demanded to know what was wrong with me, asking if I didn’t realise how much I was hurting Harry by behaving the way I do. She said that Harry didn’t deserve this. I wanted to tell her that she’s right, that I also believe that Harry doesn’t deserve the pain I’m causing him. Only I couldn’t. I wish I had known what to say, to make her understand. However, Pansy and Daphne sat right next to me. One wrong word from me and I would have been off to Durmstrang.

 

It could even worse after that. Ron decided he needed to include himself in the argument. He called me a dick head. I wanted to respond, however, Hermione pushed Ron out of the way and asked me if I thought this was all one big joke or something. I was fighting tears by then and that just made me angry. How could Hermione think like that? Doesn’t she know me? Like I could ever think off all of this mess as a joke. It’s breaking my heart to see Harry so unhappy. The look Hermione gave me made me so angry that I lost my temper. And I tend to do stupid things when I lose it like that. This time was no different. I called Hermione a Mudblood. Harry heard it, as soon as I said it I saw him walking towards us. The disappointment in his eyes was the worst. I had promised him to never use that word again and just like that, I had broken another promise. The shocked look on his face is edged in my brain. I see it every time I close my eyes. He must really hate me now.

 

Ron tried to hex me after I called Hermione a Mudblood, however, his spell backfired. Slugs came out of his mouth and it was kind of funny. Pansy and Daphne started to laugh and I joined them, just to make sure they wouldn’t think I cared about Ron’s wellbeing. I’m sure you will understand that this made Harry even more upset. He helped Hermione to escort Ron away without another look at me. I don’t think I can expect him to wait for me any longer. I screwed everything up. 

 

_So you saw Ron and Hermione as your friends and they are now siding with Harry?_

 

Yes, Tom, we all used to hang out together at the end of last year. Harry, Hermione & Ron, Neville, Blaise and me. And now it’s just me. Not that I’m alone, Pansy and Daphne or Theo and Vincent are always tailing me. They never seem to leave me alone. It’s just that I don’t want them around me. They don’t understand. Gregory is the only friend I have left. He said he was sorry that he couldn’t be a bigger help. I asked him if he could tell Harry about what is going on, however, he doesn’t think Harry will believe him. Not after everything that has happened last year. And he’s probably right. It’s just hard to see things going from bad to worse.

 

_I’m sure it’s going to be okay, Draco. But you told me about Ron and Hermione. What happened with Neville and Blaise. Why don’t they hang out with you anymore?_

 

Well, Neville is Ron’s best friend, so he follows Ron everywhere. So when Ron decided I’m not his friend anymore, Neville took his lead and also started avoiding me. Blaise is a different story. He still talked to me until a couple of days ago. He cornered me and asked me to explain myself. However, Theo was in the same room so I couldn’t tell him. So I told him it was none of his business. He said I was an ass-hole and he hopes I would get dragon pox for the way I was treating Harry. I lost my temper again then. It’s just so hard to keep all these feelings inside, to hide them from the world. I started to scream at him, told him he would never understand. Though he might be able to. He’s used to living among all our pure-blood crazies and knows how obsessed some of us are about bloodlines, appearances and keeping the magic world muggle free.

 

_And these other people that keep trailing you, can’t you be friends with them?_

No Tom, I will never be friends with Theo and Vincent again. Not after what they did to Harry. They still tease him on a daily basis. Sometimes I’m scared they might start assaulting him again if they get the change. Blaise is still sticking up for Harry now and then, I’m glad about that. It holds them off a little. Pansy and Daphne are okay. We have nice conversations, even though they both try to convince me that it would be good to start dating Daphne. And I know they will betray me as soon as they would find out that I still hope that one day I can be with Harry again. Luckily I still have Greg to cheer me up from time to time.

 

_Well, you still have Greg, and by the sounds of it, you are also building a friendship with Pansy and Daphne. It’s not a lost cause. And with everything that is going on, the others not knowing why you are being mean to Harry, I think it is normal they are siding with Harry. Once everything gets cleared up, I’m sure they will see that you didn’t mean to hurt or insult any of them. You will have them back as friends before you even know it._

Maybe. I hope you are right. They were good friends. Hermione is an extremely smart girl and it was always nice to talk to her about schoolwork. She was the only one that understood my drive to score high marks, or who could keep up with me when subjects got more complicated. I miss her. Gregory is just not smart enough to understand most of the things I talk about. And Pansy and Daphne are less obsessed with schoolwork, they prefer to spend there time drolling over Professor Lockhart. I know he’s good looking, however, he’s not my type. His smile seems fake and his hair is styled too perfect. And his eyes have the wrong colour. I think only green eyes do it for me.

 

_So you won’t be falling for the professor than?_

No, never. He’s also old, like around my parent's age. It’s just wrong. Hearing Theo joke about Harry shagging professor Lockhart makes me sick. And not only because it’s Harry and I want him for myself, but also because Lockhart is old. And there is another reason why I won’t ever fall for Professor Lockhart, I don’t think I will ever love anyone else than Harry. Is that stupid of me? Giving my heart to someone I’m losing because I can’t tell him how I feel? Because I’m too big of a coward to go against my father's wishes? That I’m afraid to stand up against Theo and Pansy?

 

_No, of course not. Like I said before, the heart wants what it wants. Do you really think Harry is your one and only?_

 

Yes, I think so. He’s perfect, Tom. He’s nice and always thinks of others first before he does anything. He’s so cute when he acts all shy and his smile is beautiful. It lights up his face, giving his eyes a sparkle I could drown in. His hair is always a mess and I think it suits him. His voice makes my heart jump every time I hear it and I feel like the luckiest man alive for just having known him and been his friend for a short time. Oh, and his flying skills are amazing. I hate it that we never got the change to fly together. And his magic is strong when he lest himself really use it. I’m not surprised at all that he was able to defeat the Dark Lord when he was just a baby. It’s only a shame he doesn’t see how powerful he really is.

 

_Wow, you really love him. I know you’ve said a couple of times, but this really proves it._

_And you mentioning this Dark Lord reminds me. I had wanted to ask you about that. You also mentioned him in your last letter to Harry and I was wondering who this Dark Lord was and how Harry had defeated him?_

 

You don’t know about the Dark Lord?

 

_No, I think it was after my time._

 

Well, about twelve years ago there was this wizard who my parents called the Dark Lord. He was evil and terrorised the wizarding world for years. His name was Lord Voldemort, however, I don’t think that was his real name, because there are no mentions of a Voldemort in any records before he started gaining power back then.

 

_Do you think he used a nickname?_

 

Yes, I think so. However, I’ve never been able to figure out what his real name was.

 

_And how is it that he was defeated by a small child?_

 

I’m not familiar with the details. What I do know is that the Dark Lord went after Harry’s parents. He killed both of them when Harry was only one year old. Harry said he can’t remember any of it, and that he only knows what others have told him. Though it seems that the Dark Lord also tried to kill Harry, however, his spell backfired and hit himself instead. The Dark Lord disappeared afterwards, never to be heard of again.

 

_Wow, that’s an interesting story. So nobody knows what happened to this Dark Lord?_

 

Well, he did show up again last year. Only to get defeated by Harry for a second time. The Dark Lord tried to steel the sorcerers stone, however, Harry stopped him. He almost killed Harry in the process. However, he didn’t get his hands on the stone. He needed it to get his human form back. I don’t know what he is now, he needs others to survive. He’s still out there somewhere and I know my father hopes he’ll come back someday and reclaim his place in the wizarding world. I hope he dies and we never see him again.

 

_But he’s still alive?_

 

Yes, he is.

 

_That’s scary. Why does your father want him to come back?_

 

Oh, father was one of his followers. I think he even was in the inner circles. He was important anyway. So were my aunt and uncle Lestrange. They are locked up in Azkaban for the crimes they did in the Dark Lord’s name. That’s one of the reasons I hope he never comes back to power. I don’t want to fight my entire family, because I know I will take Harry’s side if it comes down to it. I have to, I love him too much to fight against him.

 

_Yes, that would be problematic, having your family on the other side of a war. And what if Harry wants nothing to do with you anymore? Will you still take his side, or will you stay true to your family?_

 

Even when Harry doesn’t want me, I’ll still fight for him. I promised him I’ll never go to the dark side, and I intend to keep that promise. I’ve already broken too many promises when it comes to him. I hate myself for doing it. Do you think he will ever be able to forgive me?

 

_Of course, he will, if he loves you as much as you love him you’ve nothing to worry about. I’m sure he’ll understand once you get a chance to explain._

 

Only there was no reason for me to call Hermione a Mudblood. Nobody forces me to treat them all this bad. I just have to stay away from Harry, so I can stay here at Hogwarts. However, I’m scared they won’t understand what it’s like living with my father. How mean and angry he can get. Like I wrote to Harry, I saw a side of him this summer I didn’t know excited. It scares me. He could hurt me, or Harry if I aggravate him even more. I’m scared of him, Tom. I’m scared of my own father.

 

_Draco, the only thing I can advise then is to stay away from all of them so you don’t get the change to do more damage. And when you feel lonely you can always come talk to me._

 

Maybe you are right. You are a good friend, Tom. I’m glad I at least have you, even now that I’m losing all my other friends because of this mess. It is nice to have someone how understands. However, it is getting late and I think I’m going to sleep now.

 

Talk to you later.

 

_You’re also a good friend to me, Draco. You have no idea how much you are helping me._

_Looking forward to speaking to you again._


	7. 1 November 1992

1 November 1992

Dear Tom,

 

I’m scared. I can’t remember what I did last night and something happened. Something atrocious. Harry is somehow in the middle of it all. And I’m scared I’ve something to do with it. Only I can’t remember. The last thing I remember is leaving the Halloween feast only minutes after it had started. Pansy followed me all the way to the common room, to make sure Harry wasn’t there. He wasn’t at the feast. It was the main reason I left so early. Why would I sit through Theo and Vincent brag about how they are curing me of my predicament? How they can see that I have feelings for Pansy, that I’m falling for her. That it’s a good thing, that I’ve forgotten about Potter, the silly half-blood. I wish I could tell them how wrong they are. That just because I don’t talk to Harry it doesn’t mean I don’t think about him all the time. That I still love him. Not that it matters since he will never be mine. The worst is that I think I might have gotten him in trouble. What if it was me? What if I did it, Tom?

 

_Draco, calm down. I’m sure you didn’t do anything to hurt Harry on purpose. So whatever it is that has happened, I’m sure you had nothing to do with it. Now tell me, what did happen?_

 

Last night, after the feast, Mrs Norris, the caretaker's cat, was found. She was petrified next to a message that read: The Chamber of Secrets has been opened. Enemies of the heir, beware. I’ve heard rumours about this chamber before, it’s supposed to be a room that Salazar Slytherin made, housing a monster that will kill Muggle-born witches and wizards. However, it was never found. So it must all be one sick joke, right?

 

_I’ve heard these rumours as well when I went to school. But it has never been proven that the Chamber was real, so I’m sure you are right when you think it’s one sick joke. And I’m sure it wasn’t you, not if a cat was petrified. You need to know pretty advance Dark magic to pull that off._

 

Yes, I won’t even know how you petrify someone. So you must be right. I must have just dozed off early yesterday evening. I’m sorry that I’m freaking out over nothing.

 

_Don’t worry about it Draco, that’s what I’m here for, remember. I’m your private mind healer in a book._

 

That sounds good, my personal mind healer in a book. You don’t know how much you help me get through all the heartache inside of me. Thank you. I just wish Harry wasn’t caught up in all this mess with the chamber. What was he even doing on the first floor?

 

_Your guess is as good as mine._

And that is all we can do, just guess. I wish I could still be his friend. I miss his company. He always was able to make me feel better about myself. And now I just sit here alone on my bed. I’ve had the drapes closed the entire day. I don’t want to see anyone, at least no one that isn’t Harry. Theo tried to pry his way onto my bed earlier, however, I told him to get the hell away from me. He didn’t take that well, stating that I should be thankful that he was still my friend after what I did last year. He disgusts me, Tom. I want to puke every time I see him. And he is angry at me for what I did last year. What about what he did last year. He is the one that almost killed Harry. He beat him and kicked his broken glasses into his eye. And now I’m supposed to be thankful and grateful that he still wants to hang out with me. Doesn’t he know that I don’t hang out with him out of my own free will, that I only do it because he forces me to? I just want him to leave me alone. I want everyone to leave me alone.

 

_Oh Draco, I’m sorry. I know you are struggling to stay away from Harry, but it’s for your own good. Your father will send you to Durmstrang if you don’t obey, remember. And that will be so much worse._

 

I haven’t forgotten, Tom. I just don’t know if I can. He’s all I think about, all the time. I struggle to focus on my schoolwork. I know I can’t come second in my class again. Father will kill me. Just like he will when one of the others report back to him if I will ever try to speak to Harry. They follow me around all the time. It’s tiresome and wearing me down. I have to keep up appearance all the time, pretend I like them so they won’t turn on me. However, the truth is that I hate them. All four of them. Only Gregory seems to care that I’m not doing well. I know he feels sorry for me. He looked me up in the bathrooms a couple of days ago, when the others weren’t around and told me that he would make sure they won’t hurt Harry again like they did last year. That he had been practising spells that could protect Harry if it would ever be necessary. I had to fight the tears that started to well up in my eyes then. That silly Gregory was willing to face down Theo and Vincent to protect Harry. I always took Gregory for granted, believed he only wanted to be my friend because I was a Malfoy. However, I realise now that he is the best friend I’ve ever had.

 

_That is amazing Draco. It’s nice to have a friend like that. You should thank him again when you get the change._

 

I defiantly will. At least I still have one friend who doesn’t care that I’m a homosexual and in love with a boy that all of Slytherin wants to hate. It makes me feel a little better about the months to come. And of course, I have you, Tom. I can’t thank you enough for all your help. You always make me feel better, just like today. I think I’ll go and see if I can still get some dinner in the Great Hall since I haven’t eaten anything today. Thank you again and I’ll talk to you soon.

 

Love Draco.


	8. 18 November 1992

18 November 1992

Dear Harry,

 

You scare me with this Chamber of Secrets business. It’s really freaking me out. Please tell me you have nothing to do with it. Tell me everyone is wrong. And please tell me I also have nothing to do with it. Because I can’t remember what I did on the night of Halloween. Or when the last attack took place. I have no memory of what I did before the Quidditch match. Madam Pomfrey says it’s because of the hit to the head I received during the match, only I’m not sure if that is it.

 

I’m sure you were at the Quidditch match to witness the fiasco that took place there. I’m glad we did win in the end. It all started out so great. Did you see how easy it was for me to score and put Slytherin in the lead? It felt amazing. Until the Bludger happened. It just kept coming for me. You will never believe who did that. It’s that silly house elf I’ve told you about before. Do you remember? His name is Dobby. He thinks that we are both in danger. He showed up in the hospital wing when I was there overnight to regrow my bones. Yes, I had to regrow my bones. My arm was broken and then Professor Lockhart tried to mend them with a spell. However, he fucked it up. Like he fucks up everything. He’s so incompetent that I’m even using swear words now. I can’t help it, he’s a lousy teacher and I don’t understand why Dumbledore hired him.

 

However, that spell he tried on me was awful. It started as a strange and unpleasant sensation in my shoulder that spread all the way down to my fingertips. After that, it felt like my arm was being deflated. I was scared to look at it, especially when Pansy started screaming at Professor Lockhart. She was so angry and scary. Please remind me to never piss her off, she’s really freighting when she’s like that. I don’t know if you know what happened, so I’ll tell you. Professor Lockhart had not mended my bones; he had made them disappear completely.

 

Madam Pomfrey wasn’t happy about it. She raged that I should have come straight to her. She can mend bones in seconds, but growing them back. Well, it took all night. I had to take Skele-Gro. That stuff is disgusting. I’m sure that even you wouldn’t like it. It burns in your mouth and throat and when the bones grow back it hurts.

 

The afternoon in the hospital wing wasn’t pleasant. Pansy, Gregory, Theo, Daphne and Vincent all wouldn’t leave. Maybe they were afraid you would stop by? I hoped you would, I miss you. I talked a little with Gregory, he was the only one that was interested in my injury and wished me well. Before he had to go he whispered in my ear that he would try to let you know that I was okay. The others just talked among themselves, about how great a game it had been and how funny it was that you, Harry, had been sitting alone in the stands. That even Hermione has left you alone. I wanted to make them stop. It is not funny that you are all alone most of the time. I’m sorry, I feel like it is my fault somehow. I wish I could be there for you, only I can’t, not with Theo and Pansy keeping an eye on me all the time.

 

I must say I was relieved when Hermione did sit down next to you in class on Monday. For a short while, I was afraid my so-called friends were right and that she had also stopped being your friend. I hate how everyone is ignoring you, or treating you like you are a dangerous animal that needs to be kept at a distance. I know you are not. You are the kindest person I know and you would never be able to hurt people like this, right? Please tell me I’m right in my view of you, that you are still the kind soul you have always been.

 

That afternoon in the hospital wing, they stayed for a long time before Madam Pomfrey made them leave. I was happy she did. After that, I tried to sleep, without much success. Growing bones is painful and my mind kept wondering towards you. I wondered how lonely you must be now. And I feel like it’s my entire fault. Did I do this to you, Harry? I’m crying now, I don’t know how to do this. I’m scared you will never be able to forgive me for this year. Will you be able to? Please tell me that everything is going to work out for us.

 

I did fall asleep sometime that night. And when I woke up again it was the middle of the night. At that moment my arm felt like it was full of large splinters, and for a second I thought that had been what had woken me up. Only I was wrong. Dobby was sponging my forehead in the dark. He said that you had come back to school even against all his warnings. He asked me why you hadn’t heeded his warnings. I tried to make him tell me what kind of warning he had given you, only Dobby wouldn’t tell me. I hope he didn’t cause you too many problems. Dobby again asked me why you hadn’t listened to him and I told him that I didn’t know. I explained to him that I wasn’t allowed to talk to you, so there would be no way for me to know.

 

After some more back and forth, Dobby confessed that he had made you miss the train to Hogwarts. That he had been sure you would have gone home after that, that you were safe. He had blocked the barrier for you; he ironed his hands to punish himself after the fact. The stupid elf. He made me extremely angry at that moment. Didn’t he know how scared I had been when you weren’t on the train? That I had been afraid you wouldn’t be at school this year? That on that day on the train my mind was racing through all the horrible things that could have happened to you, all the unthinkable reasons you won’t be able to come back. I had been extremely happy when I saw you asleep in your bed the next morning, safe and sound and just out of reach.

 

I threatened to strangle Dobby, however, that didn’t really frighten him. He’s too used to getting death threats from my father. I think Dobby gets them like five times a day.

 

Dobby believes I should go home since you won’t go. Dobby had thought that his Bludger would be enough to make me go home. He made the thing attack me during the game. I asked Dobby if he was trying to kill me. However, he responded that he would never kill me, not young master Malfoy. No, he just wants to save our lives, yours and mine. According to him, it would be better if I would be sent home, grievously injured, than remain here at Hogwarts. It frustrates me that he will not tell me why. He just said, if I only knew, when I asked him about it.

 

When Dobby realized that I also wouldn’t go home he told me that I then at least should stop writing in this diary. He claims it’s dangerous and that I’m endangering you by doing so. Like always, Dobby has no idea what he’s talking about, he doesn’t know how much Tom helps me to stay strong, to hang in there until I can clear up this mess and tell you what has been going on. Until I can tell you how much I love you. I’m sure that Theo and Pansy will get sick of watching me all the time at some point this year. When they do, you are the first person I’ll find to explain everything.

 

I can’t remember if I told you about Tom before. He is a memory stuck in this diary. He has been comforting me and giving me advice when I feel down and scared. I don’t think I can do this without his help. And I’m sure you would like him.

 

That doesn’t mean I’m not a bit worried now. The last thing Dobby told me before he disapparated keeps running circles in my mind. ‘Doesn’t young master Malfoy not care about Harry Potter’s welfare?’ His big green eyes looked so worried. I’ve never seen them that worried before. I think he really thinks we are in danger. And what if he’s right? What if I’m responsible for the attacks? As I said, I have gaps in my memory. I can’t remember what I did around the times the attacks took place. At first, it was just that stupid cat, only now a young boy lays in the hospital wing, petrified. He looked so horrible, Harry. It was like he had become a statue. What if I have something to do with it? I wish I could talk to you, or even Hermione, one of you would be able to help me remember what I did. I’m sure the two of you would help me, make sure that this is not my fault. Please don’t let this all be my fault.

 

And where were you when the attack happened? I’ve never seen Vincent so scared of anyone as he is of you right now. They say you were missing from the dormitory that night. I’m worried about you, you disappear for hours some days after class, only to shop up just before curfew to go to bed. I know you are not in the great hall or the library. I’ve looked for you. So, where do you go? What do you do? I don’t think it’s what Vincent thinks you’re doing, plotting your revenge on them. You are too kind for revenge. Please be safe and try to stay out of all this crazy business with the Chamber of Secrets.

 

I love you,

 

Forever yours,

 

Draco Malfoy


	9. 25 December 1992

25 December 1992

Dear Harry,

 

I hope you have a good Christmas at Hogwarts. Please tell me that Theo and Vincent have decided to leave you alone this holiday. I would hate to come back next week to find out you spend the entire holiday in the hospital wing. It would be hard to know that if that is the case, you would have even more reasons to hate me.

 

You need to know that you’re still in my heart and that if I had could, I would have sent you a present to let you know this. Only father has been worse than ever. Theo has been sending reports to his father about my actions at school, so my father heard all about our partnering during the duelling club. I told father that I hadn’t had a choice, that Professor Snape had made us partner up, saying it was time we worked out our differences so I could help you again with your Potions homework. Father send Professor Snape an angry letter to explain I’m not allowed to consort with types like you. That is how father addresses you, he never says your name. None of us is allowed to say the name Harry Potter in this house, never again.

 

Anyhow, father had heard all about us at the duelling club. About how you had cast a Tickling Charm on me and how I had smiled at you like you are my entire world. I’m sorry that I wasn’t fast enough to hide my feelings, because I’m certain this will complicate our situation even more next term. They are all convinced that I still love you. And they are not wrong, I do still love you.

 

I hope you understood the message I send you when I hit you with the Tarantallegra hex. Do you remember that evening? The one where Vincent tried to hex you while you had your back turned to him? Oh, how surprised he was when he couldn’t stop dancing all of the sudden. And your laugh, it was so beautiful to hear. It breaks my heart that you haven’t laughed like that all year. I wish I was in a position to bring your smile and laughter back.

 

Professor Snape wanted me to use Serpensortia in that stupid demonstration. I think he wanted to see if you could really be the heir of Slytherin, find out if you could talk to a snake. I didn’t want to do it. People already thought you are the one attacking everyone and I knew that if it came out that you are a Parselmouth things would only get worse. I figured you are one, ever since you told me last year you accidentally set a Boa on your cousin. I’m sorry that Snape found someone else to cast it and that things did get worse for you. I don’t think you did it, by the way, those attacks. I’m afraid I’m the one responsible for them.

 

Like I wrote before, I keep having blackouts. They came more often every day I was at Hogwarts. I haven’t had any since I’m home and part of me thinks that maybe Dobby is right. Maybe I should stay home and be safe. Will I really make Hogwarts a safer place for you by staying away? And what if Dobby is wrong? What if you are still in danger, even when I’m not there? I don’t think I can risk it. And the thought that I won’t be able to see you again also scares me, more than being in mortal danger because of some monster that is targeting Muggle-borns. Not with my bloodline, there is no way there is Muggle blood inside me, the Malfoy’s made sure of that. Just like the Blacks, my mother’s family. I know they banished Aunt Andromeda when she married her husband who was a Muggle-born.

 

Father got angry at me, by the way, for me starting to use the word Muggle-born instead of Mudblood. He said that those people don’t deserve to be treated with respect. And that just reminded me of what you said last year, that respect is not a birthright, but that it’s earned. And I think Hermione has earned a whole lot more respect than my father has lately. Just for sticking with you and as rumours are true even giving up her boyfriend for you. I’m thankful she’s being an amazing friend to you.

 

However, as I was saying, I was getting more and more blackouts. Twice I had found myself in places I didn’t remember going with rooster feathers on me. And then, on the morning of the attack on Justin and Nearly Headless Nick, I had another black-out. Harry, I’m afraid that I do horrible things when I black out. That it is really me who is hurting people. I just wish I knew why this is happening. I’ve tried to ask Dobby, but he won’t speak to me, not with Master Malfoy so close he said. And that just got me worrying even more. What if my father has something to do with it all? He’s one of the Governors of the school, so he would be able to get in without anyone questioning his business. Harry what if my father is doing this? What if he placed a spell on me and is using me to do his dirty work? I know he’s been talking about finding a way to dismiss headmaster Dumbledore, but would he really put me in danger to do so?

 

Sorry, Harry, I need to go. I just had an idea and I need to ask Tom something. Hang in there; I’ll sort this all out. Just remember that I love you,

 

Forever yours,

 

Draco Malfoy.

 

 

 

 

Dear Tom,

 

I think we need to talk. I haven’t written to you for a while because Dobby warned me not to and for a moment I thought he might be right. Only now I think Dobby is wrong. It’s not you or this diary. It’s my father. He’s using me somehow. I just wish I knew how. And that got me thinking. Headmaster Dumbledore had said that the Chamber of Secrets had been opened before and I was wondering if you might know anything about that.

 

_Of_ course _I know about the Chamber of Secrets. In my day, they told us it was a legend, that it did not exist. But this was a lie. In my fifth year, the Chamber was opened and the monster attacked several students, finally killing one. I caught the person who’d opened the Chamber and he was expelled. But headmaster Dippet, ashamed that such a thing had happened at Hogwarts, forbade me_ to _tell the truth. A story was given out that the girl had died in a freak accident. They gave me a nice, shiny, engraved trophy for my trouble and warned me to keep my mouth shut. But I knew it could happen again. The monster lived on, and the one who had the power to release it was not imprisoned._

 

He was not imprisoned? So he could be doing it again?

 

_He might be if he has access to the school again._

 

Who was it, Tom? Who opened the Chamber the last time?

 

_I can show you if you like. You don’t have to take my word for it. I can take you inside my memory of that night when I caught him._

 

What do you mean? How can you take me inside your memory?

 

_Let me show you._

 

Okay.

 

 

 

 

 

That was amazing Tom. I didn’t know you could do that. Headmaster Dumbledore looked so young in your memory. Now he’s old, with a long white beard and all. And the gamekeeper, I can’t believe it’s him. Why would Hagrid do this? And he likes Harry; I can’t believe he would continue now that it’s affecting him. I don’t know Tom. It doesn’t sound right for it to be Hagrid.

 

_You don’t believe me?_

 

I said I don’t know. Is there a change you were wrong? That you captured the wrong person? Maybe that is why he’s not in Azkaban.

 

_Draco, I promise you, I’m telling the truth. Hagrid opened the Chamber 50 years ago and got a young girl killed. You need to be careful around him. His love for monsters is bigger than his love for people._

 

I need to think about this Tom. I write to you later.

 

Bye for now,

 

Draco Malfoy.


	10. 19 January 1993

19 January 1993

Dear Tom,

 

I knew I should have stayed at Hogwarts for Christmas. Why did I listen to my father and went home, when I knew they would go after him? Why didn’t I ask you for advice? You would have told me to stay, to make sure he would be okay. Because he’s not. They hurt him, badly, again. And again I wasn’t there to stop it. I feel so useless, Tom. Why can’t I be brave like Harry? Why am I so scared of everything?

 

_You are brave, Draco. Don’t ever think you are not brave. The way you stay true to your heart is the bravest thing I’ve ever seen. And just because you aren’t willing to risk everything for Harry, doesn’t mean you aren’t brave, it just means you are smart, like a true Slytherin. You plan and think of the consequences first before you act. You wouldn’t want to be a Gryffindor, now would you?_

No, Tom, nobody wants to be a silly Gryffindor. Anyhow, that is not the point. Harry got hurt during Christmas break. I heard that Tom and Vincent tied him against a tree outside and just left him there. It was freezing that day and Harry had only his pyjamas on. He could have died, Tom. What if he had died? I can’t lose him, Tom. I don’t think I will ever be able to forgive myself if he would die.

 

_Draco, Harry is a strong child. He can take care of himself. Even with all the bad things that have happened to him, he’s still going strong. And you said he defeated this Dark Lord twice in his life. He wouldn’t have been able to do it if he wasn’t strong. You shouldn’t worry. I’m sure Harry will be fine._

 

I don’t know, Tom. He looks so defeated. He hardly eats anymore, if he even bothers to show up at the Great Hall for meal times. And I have noticed that he has nightmares again. Sometimes they wake me up. He checks on me after he wakes up screaming. I pretend to be asleep when he does. I wonder why he does that, the silently opening my drapes and peaking inside. Is he afraid something is going to happen to me? Does he know I’ve been having more and more blackouts again since I’m back at school? And it’s not just that, Harry also seems to be spending less time with Hermione. I’ve seen her studying in the library a couple of times without him. Maybe I should just talk to him, make him see that everything will be okay. Let him know that I still love him.

 

_But you can’t. Your father will hear about it and he will take you out of school. And then what? Then Harry would truly be alone. You don’t want that, don’t you?_

 

No, of course I don’t want him to be alone. I just want him to smile again. To be happy and enjoy his time here at Hogwarts. I hate it, seeing him this sad all the time now. It’s hard to see him struggling in class. He stopped trying to ask for help because most professors don’t want anything to do with him. They just ignore him when he raises his hand. Only Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall try to get him to do his work and make him pay attention. Just the other day Professor Snape asked Harry a question in class, only Harry didn’t know and the professor was forced to take some points from Slytherin. And that just made it all worse. Most people hate and fear Harry at the same time. And it breaks my heart to see how much it hurts Harry that people think that way about him.

 

_You just have to sit it out, Draco. I’m sure once you tell the headmaster about Hagrid being the true culprit, things will calm down and people will start treating Harry in a decent way again._

 

I don’t think I’m going to tell anyone, Tom. I just can’t see it. Hagrid doesn’t have it in him to hurt people.  And Headmaster Dumbledore most feel the same. He was there fifty years ago. If he suspected Hagrid had anything to do with it now, I’m sure he would already have acted.

 

_You don’t understand, Draco. Dumbledore is a weak man, to trusting of other people. Off course he won’t act against Hagrid. He always had a weak spot for the boy. But if you tell your father, I’m sure he will make work of it._

 

I won’t tell my father. Have you forgotten that I hate him and don’t want to talk to him at all? And I don’t understand why you are pushing this. Can’t we just leave it be? You think it was Hagrid and I think you are wrong. Let's just leave it at that.

 

_But don’t you want Harry to have peace of mind? Don’t you want the school to know it wasn’t him?_

 

Yes, of course I want the rest of the school to understand that Harry is not the person they think he is. Only, I won’t make them see that by blaming someone else who didn’t do it. Hagrid has always been kind to me, I will not repay his kindness by getting him fired or imprisoned.

 

_Draco, I swear, it’s Hagrid. You can trust me._

I’m not so sure of that anymore.

 

_What are you saying? Haven’t I always been honest with you? Supported you? Listened to you crying your heart out? Don’t I deserve better than you doubting me?_

 

Maybe you do, only I don’t know what to think anymore. Sometimes I feel you don’t tell me everything. Like when I brought up my blackout. You never comment on them, just skip over them like it’s nothing. And you know just as well as me that they aren’t nothing. They always happen when bad things happen here in the castle. And then there is Dobby, warning me to stop writing to you. Maybe he’s right. Maybe you are the one doing this to me.

 

_Draco, I would never do anything to you. I’m your friend, remember. I just need you to trust me on this one. I was there fifty years ago. I saw Hagrid with his monster. And now it’s all happening again, and Hagrid is again at the school. Even you must see that that can’t be a coincidence._

 

See, now you do it again. You just skip over all the worries I have about you. Do you understand why I’m starting to doubt your trustworthiness?

 

_I assure you, I’m not doing anything to you. I’m just trying to make you see sense._

No, I don’t think so. I should have listened to Dobby. I think he might be right. Writing to you is dangerous. I won’t be doing it again. I won’t. I’m sorry Tom. I think I need to say goodbye to you. For my own health. For my safety and that of Harry. I can’t be the reason why he gets hurt again. And Dobby said he would if I would keep writing to you. This is goodbye. I’m sorry Tom, I hope you don’t hate me now. Only I can’t do this anymore.

 

_You can’t Draco. Don’t be a foolish young boy. I’m the one helping you. Please Draco, just trust me and tell your father about Hagrid. If you don’t the next person that will die because of the heir of Slytherin will be on your hands._

 

See, you don’t listen to me. You just try to manipulate me in doing what you want. Bye Tom. I hope to never speak to you again.


	11. 14 March 1993

14 March 1993

Dear Harry,

 

Please don’t die. I do whatever you want, just please don’t die. I can’t live in a world where you are not. I need you. And I love you. I won’t hide from it anymore if that is enough to keep you here. I’ll go against father, break all the rules he gave me for going back to Hogwarts if it means you will live. I mean it. I will do anything and everything for you. So please, don’t die. I need you and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry you thought you had to do this to yourself. All I can think of now, is what if I hadn’t woke up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night? Nobody would have found you until it would have been too late. Harry, please, it hurts so much to even think of finding you dead. I need you to live. Please, don’t die. I love you. I still need to tell you that I love you.

 

They took you away, to the hospital wing in a hurry. And nobody will tell me if you are okay. I’ve never been this scared in my entire life, Harry. Please don’t leave me here alone.

 

_I’m sorry for disturbing you, Draco. I know I had promised to not bother you when you would write to Harry, but I feel that something terrible has happened. Are you okay? What happened to Harry?_

 

Tom, I’m sorry that I blamed you. I know it wasn’t you, it couldn’t have been. I haven’t written to you for a while and the blackouts still happen. I’m sorry. Please don’t be mad at me. I need you now.

 

_I’m not mad, Draco. I’m just worried. Please tell me what happened._

 

He tried to kill himself, Tom. I found him, in the boys’ bathroom. There was so much blood, and he looked so pale. And now I don’t know if he’s okay. What if I found him too late? What if he’s dead? What if he has died without knowing that I love him?

 

_Oh no, Draco, that is horrible. I’m so sorry that this has happened. I know how important Harry is to you. I’m sure he will be okay. Knowing headmaster Dumbledore he would have only hired the best healer to man the hospital wing at Hogwarts._

 

You think so. You really think he’s going to be okay?

 

_Yes, Draco, I’m sure he will be._

 

How can you be sure? You didn’t see him. He wouldn’t open his eyes and there was so much blood on the floor. How could anyone survive after they lost so much blood?

 

_That’s why we have blood replenishing potion, Draco._

 

Oh, why didn’t I think of that? Of course, blood replenishing potions, that will help him, save him. I just wish I could go and see him. So I can see for myself that he’s okay. I can’t get the image out of my mind, of Harry just lying there, unresponsive and so pale, with all the blood around him. I want to be with him, hold him.

 

_So why don’t you?_

 

I don’t think I’m allowed.

 

_Draco, he’s the boy you love, I’m sure they will let you go see him._

 

No, we are not allowed to leave the common room by ourselves. We need a teacher or prefect to escort us and they all hate Harry. None of them will help me. Only Terence Higgs has been helpful so far. He let me take a shower in the bathroom for the boys from 6th and 7th year, saying I couldn’t walk around with all the blood on my hands and clothes. I had Harry’s blood all over me. I tried to stop the bleeding when I found him. And when I couldn’t wake him I just screamed. Miles Bletchley heard me. He and Adrian Pucey came into the bathroom. Adrian took me in his arms, hold me while I screamed. And then Terence was there. He knew what to do to help Harry. He told Adrian to get me out of there. I just lost it. I screamed that I wouldn’t leave him. Only Adrian fought against me, I wasn’t strong enough. And Harry, he looked dead, Tom. It looked like he was dead. I stopped fighting and before I knew it Terence pulled me in his arms. He and his friend, I think her name is Penelope, they took me to another bathroom and helped me shower. I can’t really remember it all, it’s just flashes of them pushing me under the stream, me looking at my hands while someone dries of my hair, being hugged by Terence while I cry and blame myself. He stayed quiet to it all, just let me go on, let me hit him and scream at him. Until I just couldn’t scream anymore. I didn’t want to go to the great hall with him for lunch and he escorted me to my own dorm room. He told me to come to find him if I needed to.

 

_That is nice of him._

 

Yes, it’s a shame he’s leaving school after this year. He’s our seeker on the Quidditch team and he’s helped me to fit in. Just like Adrian and Miles. They are both 4th years. Adrian is a fellow chaser and he has thought me a lot of tricks already. It’s nice to play with them. I just wished Marcus Flint wouldn’t be our captain; he’s a dick most of the times, he only thinks about winning and beating Woods. Our Beaters are Peregrine Derrick and Lucian Bole. I don’t really hang out with them.

 

_That sounds like a nice team to have._

 

It is.

 

_You sound like you are doing a little better._

 

I am thank you. I just need to figure out a way to go visit Harry. I need to see that he’s okay. I think I won’t believe it until I see that he’s still breathing.

 

_I’m sure you’ll find a way, Draco. You are smart enough to figure it out._

 

Thank you, Tom. I should bring him his notebook and the picture book of his parents when I go. I think he would like to look at the pictures of his parents. He’s been looking at them a lot lately. Maybe that is why he did it, to be with his parents. He must miss them so terribly. He hasn’t got much to remember them by, only the album with pictures and his father’s cloak. The cloak, that’s it. I can use it to sneak into the hospital wing and be with him, nobody would be able to see me.

 

_What do you mean? How can a cloak hide you from everyone?_

 

It’s an invisibility cloak, Tom. It’s an amazing piece of work. I’ve never seen an invisibility cloak that worked this good and was still in such good shape after years of use.

 

_That sounds like a magnificent cloak, Draco. I’m sure you will be able to get into the hospital wing when you wear it. Just let me know when you’ve seen him and how he’s doing, okay?_

 

I will, Tom. Thank you again for your help and kind words. I’ll write to you soon.

 

Draco Malfoy.


	12. 18 March 1993

18 March 1993

Dear Tom,

 

Harry is okay. His arm heals nicely, and Madam Pomfrey is sure there won’t be any scarring. I used Harry’s cloak to sneak into the hospital wing last Sunday. I took his notebook and his photo album with me. He was so pale when I came in, he still looked like he had died. It frightened me. I sat down in the chair next to his bed and cried. I don’t know for how long. The idea that I had almost lost him scared me, Tom. I don’t know if I would be able to go on with my life without him. I never want to find out what that would be like. And I’m so grateful that I won’t have to.

 

Professor Snape came into the hospital wing to check on Harry later that afternoon. He discovered me there. Just said point blank that I could take off the cloak (I do wonder how come he knows about the cloak and how he knew I was there). He promised me he won’t force me to leave. So I removed the cloak and place Harry’s belongings on the small table next to his bed. He arranged with Madam Pomfrey that I could stay for a couple of days. She even made sure I could sleep in the bed next to his, so I could be close to him. It took Harry two days before he finally woke up.

 

_Hello Draco, I’m glad that Harry is okay. And it’s nice that they let you stay at the hospital wing until he had woken up. Why did it take so long for him to wake?_

 

Madam Pomfrey said it was normal, that his body needed to heal and that Harry would wake up when his body would be ready. She fussed over him all the time when I was there. All the adults are worried about him. Professor Snape came by a couple of time a day for an update. He told me that it had been fortunate that I had woken up and found him when I did, that we all had been lucky that Harry hadn’t died. Tom, I still can’t believe that I had almost lost him.

 

_It must have been destiny, you waking up and saving him. I’m sure you two are made for each other._

 

When Professor Snape left the hospital wing on Monday afternoon he said something in the same line of thought. He told me that evening that I was expected back in class on Tuesday. Harry had just woken up an hour before Professor Snape came by. Harry let me hold his hand and I was so happy to hold it again. I never want to let go of him.

 

We both weren’t happy when Professor Snape said that I should go and sleep in my own bed again now that Harry was awake. Harry had a haunted look in his eyes and squeezed my hand really hard when the professor said it. I tried to fight him on it, only Professor Snape told me it was non-negotiable. Madam Pomfrey let me stay until dinner time and then escorted me out of the hospital wing. I told Harry I would come and visit him every day after class and that seemed to cheer him up a little.

 

I went to the Great Hall to get dinner. I went to sit by myself on the edge of the Slytherin table. It was the edge Harry would use when he was brave enough to get food. I had just started to eat when Terence came up to me to ask how Harry was. I told him that Harry would be life, it was all I could say. I’m not sure if he’s ever going to be okay. He’s so sad most of the time.

 

Terence said that if anyone was giving me or Harry a hard time that I should tell him. And then I thanked him for his help on Sunday. He said it was nothing, only his eyes focused on Greg and I didn’t miss the worried expression on his face. He shook it and then joined his friends who were leaving the Great Hall. I also looked at Greg and I was surprised to see that he sat a little away from Theo and Vincent. I looked like he hadn’t touched his dinner at all. When he got up to leave, I followed him all the way to our dormitory. I asked him if h was alright and he shook his head and started to cry. I didn’t know what to do. I thought that maybe he was upset about Harry so I told him that Harry was going to be okay. He shook his head again and then sat down on his bed. I asked him what was wrong, only Greg wouldn’t tell me. Maybe it had something to do with his brother who died the year before we started Hogwarts. Greg never wants to talk about him or what happened to him. I wish I knew how to help him. I feel so useless most of the time. Everyone around me is hurting and there is nothing I can do to help.

 

_Don’t beat yourself up, Draco. I never had any siblings, so I wouldn’t know how it feels to lose one, but I’m sure it’s hard. And then almost losing a schoolmate must bring back nasty memories for Greg. I’m sure he appreciates it that you respect his wishes and don’t push him to talk about it._

 

Maybe, it doesn’t make me feel any better about it all. Greg seems really down. And Theo and Vincent are only making it worse. I want to hex them to the moon for not noticing that their friend is hurting. They make jokes about what happened all the time. They say that the Boy-Who-Lived can’t even kill himself properly and they joke that the Dark Lord would be so pissed if he knew that his mortal enemy had died by another hand than his own if he had still been around. They have no idea how scary it is to know that the Dark Lord is still alive and that he still wants Harry dead. I didn’t enlighten them, I just told them to stop their stupid jokes, only they don’t listen to me anymore. I wish there was more that I could do to shut them up.

 

_That’s unfortunate. Maybe they will stop when Harry comes back to the dorms. Is he still in the hospital wing?_

 

Yes, he is. He will be released from the hospital wing this evening. I do hope Theo and Vincent keep their mouths shut when he comes back. I don’t want Harry to get upset again. When I visited him yesterday he was really happy to see me, only I can see he still feels lost and broken. His eyes don’t shine like they used to. When he woke up on Monday he cried a lot. We looked through his photo album together. He brushed his fingers over his parents' pictures and I know he longs for them. He said he was sorry, over and over again. I told him to stop that, that he has done nothing to be sorry about. I apologised to him, told him that it was my fault. That I never should have ignored him all year. I promised him that I would never ignore him again, not if he doesn’t want me to because I love him. I told him I love him and he said it back to me. He loves me, Tom. I just hope his love is going to be enough for him to forgive me.

 

_I’m sure he will forgive you, Draco. As I said, I think you two are destined for each other. Just give him some time. Did he say why he tried to kill himself?_

 

No, we didn’t talk about that. Madam Pomfrey told me not to and I don’t want to really hear it. I read his notebook; I know it was because of me. He thought I hated him, Tom.

 

_I’m sure there must have been other reasons. You haven’t spoken to him since the start of the year. If it had only been you, he would have tried it before now._

 

Maybe, I just know I will do whatever I can to make sure his eyes will light up again in joy. I don’t care what my father says about it. I love Harry and nobody is going to keep me away from him, not even father. I just wish I had realised sooner that I need him, that I can’t live without him, and that I was only making it all worse by trying to stay away from him. Maybe if I had, none of this would have ever happened.

 

_Oh, Draco, stop blaming yourself. You told me everyone ignored him and was scared of him. That must have played a role in his decision to do this._

 

Tom, I have to go. Professor Snape is here with Harry. Write to you soon.

 

Draco Malfoy.


	13. Chapter 13

16 April 1993

Dear Tom,

 

How has life been for you?

 

_Hello Draco, you do realise that I’m only a memory in a book and that I don’t really do anything except write with you._

 

I’m sorry Tom, I wasn’t thinking. I’m so happy right now, that I keep doing stupid things. I don’t even care that everyone here is terrified now that Headmaster Dumbledore is not around or that the castle is extremely empty this Easter break. Even the fact that I have a ton of homework to do can’t temper my mood. And it’s all because Harry sits next to me on his bed, his hand in mine, writing in his notebook.

 

_That’s great, Draco. See I told you he would forgive you._

 

Yes, you did. And you were right. I’m should have believed you, my apologies for that.

 

_That’s fine Draco. So Harry is doing okay now?_

He’s okay. He smiles more often now, not as much as he used to, but it’s better than a couple of weeks ago. He has to go talk to a mind healer once a week and he’s been to see Hermione in the hospital wing a couple of times. He says Miss Davis said it would help him, to talk to his best friend. He joked that he only talks about me when he goes to see them. I don’t believe him, there is no way he can fill an entire hour with only talking about me.

 

_You might never know. You talk about Harry all the time._

 

No, I don’t.

 

_Yes, you do. But don’t worry, that is what people in love are supposed to do._

 

Do I really only talk about Harry? I know I write about him often and that he’s on my mind all the time. Now that I think about it, I suppose you’re right, I do talk about him all the time. It’s because I love him. Tom, have you ever been in love?

 

_No, not when I made this memory of myself._

 

Well, I hope your older-self did found love later in his life. It’s the most amazing feeling in the world.

 

_I’m glad to hear that everything is good for you, Draco and that you are happy. You are a good friend to me and I hated seeing you so upset._

 

I never thought I could be this happy, Tom. Even though it isn’t always easy. Theo and Vincent use every opportunity they get to tease me and Harry for being bent. Theo even wrote to my father to tell him I sleep in Harry his bed now. It’s because of his nightmares. I read about them in his notebook. He has these weird dreams wherein I keep disappearing. So the first night he was back and woke up screaming I just walked to his bed and crawled in next to him. He cried against my chest until he fell asleep again. Since then I just get into his bed in the evening. And it seems to help; the nightmares stay away when he falls asleep in my arms. And I won’t lie, it helps me sleep too. It’s good to hold him close to me, to feel his heartbeat under my hand, to know that he’s alive in my arms.

 

_I hope your father isn’t to upset about you now being Harry’s boyfriend._

 

I’m not sure if were boyfriends now, we haven’t really talked about that. And I don’t have to, as long as I can hold his hand in mine, I’m good. And my father, well he’s upset. He wrote to me a couple of days after I started to sleep in Harry’s bed. He told me that Theo had informed him that I had broken the agreement and that he would pull me out of school at the end of that week. I’m now on house arrest till I’m a hundred years old, according to my father. And he started negotiations with the Greengrass family to see if they can come to a marriage arrangement for me with one of their daughters. I told Daphne, and she looked at me like I was crazy and then told me she will never marry me, no matter what our parents would arrange for us. She didn’t want to have a husband that will never sleep with her. I told her not to worry since there is only one person I would want to marry and that she defiantly isn’t him.

 

_So will you be leaving Hogwarts now?_

 

No, I won’t. The day after my father’s letter arrived I received a letter from mother. She told me she had convinced father to at least let me stay till the end of the year, to make sure I would not fall behind on my schoolwork. We will discuss the future of my schooling during summer break. I’m afraid father will find me a tutor that will home school me and teach me to be a proper man or something. I haven’t told Harry. I’m scared it will upset him and that he might try again to, well you know.

 

_Yes, I understand. And I’m sure, that with the help of your mother, you will be able to convince your father to let you go back to Hogwarts. You’ve been receiving great marks and now that Hermione is petrified, I’m sure you will be top of your class. Your father will see that Hogwarts is the best place for you to continue your studies._

 

Thank you, Tom, for your confidence. I’m not that curtain. Father was clear about his stipulations when he let me go back to Hogwarts. In no way I was allowed to pursue my feelings for Harry. And I don’t think I have made matters better by deciding against his wishes to stay at Hogwarts for the Easter holiday. I told mother that I can’t leave Harry alone right now, because I can’t. I know I’m driving him insane, by following him everywhere he goes. Only I can’t help it, he’s still sad most of the time and that scares me. What if tries again and I won’t be there to stop him?

 

_You’re allowed to be scared, Draco. You almost lost him._

 

I know, I just wish I wasn’t so scared all the time. At least Theo and Vincent stopped their stupid jokes about Harry’s suicide attempt. There, I’ve said it, Harry almost committed suicide and I’m so scared he will try again.

 

_Oh Draco, it’s okay. You said it yourself, he’s doing better. He smiles more often. And he knows now that you love him. I’m sure he won’t try again._

 

I hope so. Anyhow, Theo and Vincent have stopped their stupid jokes because Marcus Flint threatened them bodily harm if they didn’t stop. It’s weird, the way the seventh years all started looking out for us. They are all very helpful and check in on us all the time. I wish I know why they all look out for Harry. If someone just looks at him the wrong way they tell that person to take a walk. And don’t take me wrong, I’m glad they do because it seems to help. More and more people don’t believe anymore that Harry is the heir of Slytherin. The only problem now is, that nobody knows who it is. I wish someone will figure it out, I want to take Harry outside, to fly together with him on our brooms, try out some Quidditch moves.

 

_Is the Quidditch cup still happening, with all the attacks and all?_

 

No, the Quidditch cup is cancelled for the rest of the year. Marcus Flint is really upset about that. It’s his last year here at Hogwarts and he hates that he can’t end it with a win.

 

_That’s a shame. I know you really liked being on the team. Have you told Harry that you want him to try out as well next year?_

 

No, we haven’t discussed what he wants to do next year. He already struggles to pick subjects; I don’t want to bother him with extra stress on top of that. Only I hope he will try out next year. We have some openings in the team then since Marcus and Terence are seventh years and will graduate this year. The team will need a new Chaser and a new Seeker. In my opinion, Harry would be a good seeker. Last year during our flying lessons he showed amazing reflexes on a broom. And I’m sure Adrian, who will be our captain next year, will be open to letting Harry try out. Adrian is a good guy; it’s nice to train with him. He and Terence really helped me become a part of the team. I must admit that I was scared that I would be the odd one out since I was the only new addition and still so young compared to the other players. Terence told me it wasn’t my father’s contribution to the team (Nimbus 2001’s for the entire team) that made them agree to let me on the team, but that it were my flying skills. Adrian confirmed that I was the best person during the try-outs. It’s nice to hear that at least two persons believed I was the best man for the position.

 

_It’s indeed nice to hear that other people appreciate your skills._

It is indeed. I’ve got to go now, Tom. Harry is trying to do his potions homework and he needs my help. His parchment starts to look like one giant black spot since he keeps scratching out his answers.

 

_That’s fine, go spend time with your boyfriend, just don’t forget about me._

 

I won’t, I promise. I’ll write to you soon.

 

Draco Malfoy.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last entry Draco made into his diary. If you want to know what happened after this entry, you can read part 1 of the Letters to my Parents series.

20 May 1993

Dear Tom,

 

I don’t have much time to write because we have a study group in a couple of minutes. I just wanted to let you know that I haven’t forgotten about you. It’s just, exams start in a week and a half and I’ve been busy studying. I need to become top of our class. It will help me convince my father that Harry is not a distraction. I want father to see that Harry motivates me to do well in school and pushes me to be on my best behaviour.

 

_Hello Draco, I’m glad you haven’t forgotten about me. And I understand that you need to study for your exams. Thank you for letting me know why you’ve been so quiet. I would hate it if now that you have Harry back in your life you would stop confiding in me._

 

Tom, I would never do that. You’ve been a good friend to me this year, I will never forget that.

 

_Thank you, Draco._

 

You should also know that everything is returning to normal here at school. There hasn’t been an attack since Hagrid has been shipped off the Azkaban. This concerns Harry because he still believes in his innocence. I’m starting to doubt more and more each day. It can’t be a coincidence that the attacks have stopped since Hagrid is gone.

 

_I told you, it was Hagrid._

Yes, I know you did, and I must say, it looks like you were right.

 

_I was. It’s good to hear that the school is turning back to normal. And how is Harry doing these days? Is he doing better?_

 

Harry is doing well. He isn’t as sad anymore as he was. There are still bad days, and he tries to push me away on those, only I won’t let him. We spend every free moment together and it’s good. I love it when we talk or just sit together, doing nothing at all. His hand is always in mine and it just feels perfect. And every time he smiles I just have to smile back. It makes my heart do crazy things. I’m really happy.

 

_That’s good to hear, Draco. I’m glad you two are together now. You deserve to be happy._

 

Thank you, Tom. I would like to write some more, only I really need to get back to my studies. I’ll write to you again after the exams.

 

_Okay, good luck with the studying._

 

Thank you, Tom. I will need it.


End file.
